grampa & the foot-long grass

This is in no way meant to reflect on my lovely spouse who cannot cut the grass due to some rather nasty arthritis in her hands but when I did arrive on Sunday night the copious rainfall did indeed leave some of the lawn about a foot high. No problem says I, will deal with it after school on Monday. So I arrive home somewhat exhausted, say to myself, self, you should put your shorts on for the first time, an old shirt and go sit in your Muskoka chair on the front veranda; sit in the warmth,, pretend to do a crossword and doze off and drool for awhile....Which I do, complete with cup of tea. Sort of dozing off when a hear a strange sound and look up to see a LARGE BLACK BIRD FLYING TOWARDS MY HEAD. I scream and duck (not a duck) and it misses my head but crashes into the north window right beside my head. I scream again and race for the door and hide inside while it continues to go BONK, BONK BONK against the glass as it works itself around to the rose trellis and finally finds its way to freedom....

Fully awake now, I say lets go try the grass. So very carefully I cut the front and halfway through the side section, the somewhat underpowered and overworked lawn mower stops. Hmmmmm. Could it be the fuse in the socket? I have to go into the house to find something to plug in; choose the kitchen night light which doesn't really fit but I jam it in and it lights. LAWNMOWER BUGGARED. Okay says I, it was from the gupas and did fine for a few years; let me go buy a new one, come back and finish. So I check Consumers Report online, Black and Decker # blah, blah, blah. So to Canadian Tire on Lakeshore (sold out), then to the STUPID SMALL HOME DEPOT IN GERRARD SQUARE THAT NEVER EVER HAS WHAT I NEED, but they did have one dusty model on display but NOT THE SIDE DISCHARGE ATTACHMENT WHICH I NEEDED. The shovel display was nearby and I almost reached out for one to brain the idiot old fart who was attempting to help me but knew less than the nearest shovel about electric lawnmowers.

Time for change in plan: drive by Beach Theater to check marquee, go in and watch Indian Jones who I am sure never used a lawnmower. Great idea and then to the Home Depot on O'Connor where they had a fabulous Homelite mower made of steel (not B and D plastic). Hurrah.

But on Tuesday when I got home it was starting to rain....DARN.... but I needed to do something so I got out the Lee Valley push mower and started go flail away at the footlong grass. BAD IDEA ! I did make some progress but it rained more and all of a sudden I was pushing the handle but not the mower. HMMMM. Seems the cotter pins broke which attach the handle to the mower. My tears were disguised by the increasing rainfall....So I decided to spray off all the grass cuttings from my new two-part mower and was not paying attention when the water finally spurted out and so I proceeded to soak my right foot completely. Eventually got it all in the shed. Tonite I wisely got out the electric weed wacker and wacked the footlong grass until it looked like a really bad haircut, raked it into piles and then tried out the new lawnmower with total and complete success. Whew.

Ciao Da Randy

[Toronto-5-June-2008]