celebrity instutition death match:
private thai hospital vs canadian health care system

Round 1

Welcome, welcome, ladies and gentlemen to another episode of institution death match, where you get to watch the most notorious institutions and organizations fight it out for glory in the ring! Today's fight promises to be a thrilling one! In one corner, we've got the Bumrungrad Hospital, Thailand's premiere private hospital, looking youthful, invigorated, and with a certain spicy bounce in its step. In the other corner, we've got the somewhat aged and tired-looking Canadian health care system. But folks, don't be fooled by appearances. This match-up is, at heart, a battle between two equally strong rivals: the up-and-coming hungry new talent threatening to upseat its wise and focused master. Let the fight begin!

Well, as expected, Bumrungrad gets in the first few tight jabs. Pam! It's cleaner! Pam! There are classy uniforms on all employees! Pam! Free bottled water, boxed iced tea, and hot jasmine tea are available on every floor. The Canadian system with its coin operated drink dispensers and frazzled, ratty-lab-coated front desk staff just can't compete.

Round 2

Both challengers are given the same task: diagnose and treat one small boy with a minor ailment. Let's see who comes out ahead. The Big B hits up heavy right off the bat, wielding a large in-house play area for kids complete with computers, movie screen, and giant slide. The small boy is seen within half an hour by an able physician and has his assigned medicines dispensed on site within moments. At a cost of less than 30 dollars, how can the Big C keep up? But viewers, let's not give up on Big C just yet. Allowances must be made for the fact that Big C covers an entire country -- and not just any country! The second largest country in the world! Big C manages to stretch itself all the way up the Bruce Penninsula, to Wiarton, a town where no durian shall ever grow. Big C impresses with its nifty new health centre clad in local stone and well-lit by large windows and skylights. However, the proof is in the pudding. And this pudding, ladies and gents, is a mite overdone by the time it arrives on the table. The young boy must wait in Emergency for two hours before being seen by a handsome, young, and definitely NOT Wiartonian intern. However, the service is competent, thorough, and it must be said that Big C does not rely on the instantaneous dispensation of penicillin products. At the end of Round 2, we say a small but serious advantage to Big B.

Round 3

In this, our final round, we will discover how these two institutions deal with a mighty medical challenge: KNOCKED UP LADY. The action begins with Big C's handler holding up a sign...what's this? Big C's manager is reminding the crowd of something with this homemade brown cardboard placard...and what does the sign say? Let me see...ah, it says, "Everyone Can Get This Treatment". A sobering reminder of Big C's main claim to fame, and that of course is that it is universally available. Big B can hardly make a comeback against cold hard facts like that one. Definitely, this round starts off with Big C taking the lead by pulling out the reliable standard punch that has made it the pride of its nation. But wait! What's this? Bumrungrad still has a few tricks up its sleeves. Pam! On site ultrasounds! Pam! Ten nurses for every patient! Pam! A clean and spacious post-natal baby-viewing room! Pam! Oooooh, all records computerized and accessible on every floor and given to patients on CD ROM! Big C is taking a pounding. And let's listen in on a recent conversation between the knocked up lady and her new Canadian physician...

[Scene takes place in a small but very busy ob/gyn's office in downtown Toronto. The knocked up lady is seeing the doctor she saw for her first child, but hasn't seen in the subsequent 4 1/2 years. The doctor has greeted the KUL, ushered her into her private office, and has caught up on what the KUL has been up to recently. The KUL has passed over all her medical documents to the doctors and sits with her almost-5-year-old son on her lap...]

DR: So, Thaba, you've been in Bangkok for the past two years?

KUL: Yup, that's right, then we're off to India.

DR: Well, there are a few things that we should check through. Let's see, first of all, if it turned out that tests showed that your baby had Down's Syndrome or another serious problem, would you consider terminating your pregnancy?

KUL: .......Um.......[thinking]......[realizing the doctor hasn't really taken in either the expected due date from the papers, and hasn't looked closely at the belly bump because Ji is sitting in front of it].....Uh, I'm eight months pregnant. I think we'll take what we get at this point.

DR: [Covering up quickly], Yes of course, now let's see about these papers...

[Later, in the reception area, the patient speaks briefly to the receptionist.]

KUL: How many patients did you say the doctor sees in one day?

REC: Oh, at least forty five.

KUL: Mmmm hm.

And now back to the ring! Big C suffers a little from that encounter. Oh dear, and we witness another one, a week later... the doctor listens to the baby's in utero heartbeat and claims earnestly and thoughtfully, "My bet is that it's a boy!" It appears that she's forgotten the three ultrasound scans that offered labelled labial pictures. Once again Big C stumbles under pressure and lack of time to read files. But the real winner will be decided when the baby is born. Will Big C manage to squeak by with its reputation intact or will the upstart upseat it? Sadly, folks, we won't know until the contractions start. Stay tuned, but for now, a word from our commercial sponsor...

[Toronto-22-August-2006]