35 reasons why i'm glad my mum & dad met, married, and stayed married

#35: Me! Life! Thanks!

#34: Emma! I know I used to kick her in the ankles surreptitiously, but I've grown to appreciate her over the years. Plus, she's way tougher than me. She'd kick me in the nose if I tried any tricks now.

#33: Jake! A fine young man who takes the time to escort his awe-struck nephew behind the scenes at the new opera house and a fellow who appreciates a good Monty Python skit. Doesn't get much better than that.

#32: Pretty much no one I ever went to school with had parents who were actually still married to each other. So I'm glad I got to be the kind of odd one out. The stigma of coming from an unbroken home helped balance out the overly well-adjusted and comfortable childhood I had.

#31: No step-brothers, step-sisters, half-sisters, half-brothers, lost cousins, third fourth or fifth sets of grandparents, no new girlfriends, boyfriends, step-moms or step-dads. I mean, I'm sure they're fine and all. But it's just way too much hassle. Though I spose there would've been alot more christmas presents over the years if my folks had split up...hm....

#30: I have many good examples to fall back on as a parent now myself. "Now Ji, did you already ask your father that? Yes? Well then, don't try and trick me. I learned from the masters: never let the kids catch you un-united in a decision."

#29: See also: learned how to soothe cranky child;

#28: ...Know many verses to many songs which can be sung in cars to keep children amused;

#27: ...Have patience to read many, many, many, many books to small children;

#26: ...Can read at all to begin with;

#25: ...Oh yes, can talk;

#24: (Sure, sure, if I'd been adopted or picked up by the Gypsy Bus -- as was threatened so very many times -- I might have been taught to read or speak. But not nearly so well! And not with the ability to make up silly rhyming songs at the drop of the hat! Or lie to immigration and customs officers when necessary.)

#23: If my parents hadn't met, not only would I not exist, but Dad would probably be a miserable wretch in Calgary and if he'd been lucky enough to get married, he'd probably live in (gulp!) the suburbs. If he hadn't snagged a wife, he'd still be living on the mink farm. Inverting and skinning mink for a living.

#22: Not only that, Dad would probably still not like mushrooms.

#21: Mum wouldn't have ended up on a ranch, sure, but she'd still be in the doldrums without us.

#20: And would, of course, be wretched without Dad. And that morning cup of tea.

#19: And she wouldn't have a fine appreciation for double smoked pork chops, power tools, and the film festival. Oh, wait, she actually doesn't appreciate those things. Hm, well, at least I'm sure she'd never have found the opportunity to host a function where more than 10 bottles of ice-cold vodka were consumed in shot form unless she'd married Dad. And shurely she never would have started a tradition of ordering the same number of beer kegs for the birthday party as would be equivalent to the age of the child whose birthday it is if she hadn't married Dad. Right?

#18: Without them getting together, Phet would never have invented the perogy sandwich.

#17: Or their grandchildren. I'm not sure which invention ranks first in its importance to world history yet, though the perogy sandwich did come first, timeline-wise.

#16: Needless to say, without my folks Phet's Mom and Dad would never have eaten roast turkey. With stuffing.

#15: Gramma Rita would never have gained such an incredible reputation as a son-in-law supporter extraordinaire.

#14: Without the occasion of the 35th anniversary, Mum wouldn't have bought Dad a copy of Nimrod.

#13: Imagine, if you will, a parallel universe in which my parents met, had kids, but never married. Say we'd been born. Say we'd grown up and gone to school. Imagine, just imagine, what the kids at school would have called us. I'll give you a hint. It starts with "bas" and ends with "tards".

#12: And in that parallel universe, the whole Needs-wicky / Nidge-vee-et-skee dichotomy would never have existed!

#11: Also, the rooster in Kalabo wouldn't have gotten its neck wrung. I guess that rooster is about the only one, looking back, who isn't happy Mum and Dad got married.

#10: And -- nee noo nee noo (Twilight Zone music) -- no one would have brought choucrout garni to the traditional Boxing Day fiesta. Ay caramba!

#9: I'm also glad they got married because it gives me something to write about.

#8: And it gives Dad something to talk about to his Families class.

#7: I think that if Mum and Dad hadn't gotten married, then to keep the equilibrium in Zambia amongst the ex-pat community, Pam and Old Weird Harold would've had to have gotten married. And really, how weird would that be?

#6: This is a sweetsie-pateetsie one, but I'm really happy because they've set a truly fine example of how to stick to those ol' marital vows. Which is helpful. For us recently married folks, y'know.

#5, 4, 3, 2, 1: Five people in our family, five people who have been enjoying each other's company for thirty-five years, all because of you two. Love you so much! Happy anniversary!

[Toronto-15-December-2006]