so, what kind of funeral do YOU want?

We've started a family database for future reference. The What-To-Do-With-Us-When-We're-Dead file has been expanded upon greatly over the past few weeks. If we professionalized this process just a tad we could set up our services as death planners extraordinaire. Monogrammed black napkins? A Celine Dion graveside tribute? A 21-gun salute with Mounties in attendance? Why not figure out your post-life plans now?

I've always been a big believer in thinking about what you want at your own funeral. I have always planned to build my own coffin, and now that I actually own a big workshop full of power tools I might actually have the opportunity to start whittling away at a big cedar tree and get my permanent resting spot ready. I also made a point to get my whole family to go and check out our future burial plots. We've inherited 5 spots of primo real estate at the absolutely beautiful St. James' cemetary at the corner of Bloor and Sherbourne. Last spring while I was in Toronto I got everyone including Ji to troop down to the cemetary and find out where our future gravestones would be.

I don't believe in any life after death. For me, the end is the end. But I do like the idea that I know ahead of time where my bones will rest. I haven't yet figured out what the rules are relating to what kind of casket I can construct, but after reading Ontario regulations online until I was glassy-eyed, I did learn that:  

If the remains of a deceased person who was at least sixteen years of age are buried in an in-ground grave, the owner shall ensure that the grave be at least 2.44 metres (eight feet) long and .91 metres (three feet) wide, excluding space for a marker, and also that: The owner shall ensure that interred human remains that are not cremated are buried at least .61 metres (two feet) beneath the natural level of the ground surface. O. Reg. 130/92, s. 16 (2).

Just in case you're wondering, the wishes of the rest of the family are as follows:

Grampa - buffet meal for all friends and family at the Chinese restaurant in Airdrie; the following song sung at the funeral:

Moonlight And Skies - Jimmie Rodgers

Oh, come hear my story, of heartaches and sighs
I'm a pris'ner who's lonely, for my Moonlight And Skies
I have a sweetheart, who's waiting for me
Back in old Oklahoma, not far from Shawnee
Her lips like the cherries, her little heart cries
Daddy, please come back, to your moonlight and Skies

My pal's name was Blackie, a lad with true heart
A robb'ry we planned, so decided to start.
I went to my darling, with tears in her eyes
She said, daddy don't leave me, your Moonlight And Skies
I laughed at her pleading, youth must have its way
And said I'll be back, in a couple of days.

The next scene was fatal, with a shot through his heart
For Blackie died sending love to his sweetheart
Go tell her, go tell her, I've sinned, my love
I'll meet her in heaven, with the angels above.
That night I was captured, out under the stars
Now I have last an' lingered, behind these iron bars

You'll find me at my window, as the day slowly dies
I am dreaming of my darling and my Moonlight And Skies.
A pale Moon is shining, is shining so bright
And lovers are strolling, by my window tonight
Their laughter so merry, brings heartaches and sighs
To a pris'ner who's lonely, for the Moonlight And Skies.

Mum - Lots of sad, sad, sad songs. Whiskey and weeping. Also some sad hymns. (Ah, the Irish blood is showing!) Proper Kleenex boxes provided for funeral-goers. No burial in cold Canadian ground; cremation followed by ashes being scattered near headstone at the cemetary.

Dad - NO CHURCH WHATSOEVER. Cremation. And I'm guessing he wouldn't mind if condolence-offerers drowned their sorrows in a lake of nicely iced vodka. [Toronto-16-November-2005]

and this just in from emma

"My funeral wishes are:

I would like to be cremated. If they require a coffin to burn (which rumour has it they do) then please build one according to Thaba's researched specifications. Keep in mind, my Ikea bookshelves are about the right dimensions, so only a door would have to be added to the front. I'm tempted to suggest a Folger's coffee can for my ashes. I would like my estate to be partially used (hopefully I have an estate) to have an open bar and wicked party. Please have guests / mourners bring cd's which would include:

only the lonely roy orbison, the end of the road (boyz 2 men), bridge over troubled waters, always something there to remind me (naked eyes), ain't no sunshine when she's gone, sinead o'connor nothing compares 2u, fire and rain (james taylor),  

yeah, so that's me...." [Toronto-18-November-2005]