and now, the party awards!

We here at fixed address have been hard, hard at work the past two weeks narrowing down the names of the finalists for our first annual post-party awards ceremony. While the task was a difficult one, we have at last (drumroll, please) decided upon this year's winners...

Suggested musical accompaniment: 'We Like To Party' by the Vengaboys

Our first award is presented to the party goer(s) who most deeply exemplifies the party spirit that we try so hard to cultivate. The Hardest Partier(s) award is, of course, coveted by many but can only be received by the penultimate partiers. After much deliberation, it has been decided that this year, the Hardest Partiers award will be presented to JOAN & KEITH SHERMAN. The vivacious and ever-gorgeous Joan and her gentlemanly husband Keith attended the party not once, folks, but twice! Yes, that's right, twice! This despite the fact that Keith had heart surgery mere months ago. Travelling up north, the Shermans neglected to bring their party invitation along with them, and came to the hoe-down a full seven days early! Loaded with goodies including a case of Mike's Hard Lemonade, they enjoyed a leisurely visit on the porch before they headed back home. But lo and behold, on the day of the real party they were back for more! Yes sir, the Shermans are indeed heroes to whom we can all look up to!

Our second award this evening is awarded to the party goer(s) who succeeds in attending the party in the face of great and dangerous adversity. In this category, there could be no winner other than the great, the tenacious, the resilient, and the brilliant, yes indeed the man himself: MR. SING SAYO! Now, I hear some of y'all muttering in the background, yah, you sound like those grumps from the Muppets. "What can Sing do that I can't do?" I hear you asking. Maybe you had to take a plane to get to the party. Maybe you had to find a catsitter. Maybe you had to strap yourself to the underbelly of a locomotive and then kill 14 ninjas when you exited the train station just to get to Howdenvale on time. Maybe. But let me say this: none of y'all drove for 6 hours with two kids under the age of 5 in your car, one of whom was being separated from his mother's most tasty milk for the first time in his life. None of y'all. So let's hear it for Sing, winner of the Partying In The Face Of Great Adversity award. (Honourable mention, of course, to Keith Sherman. Way to go, Keith!).

We had intended our third award to be presented to the partier(s) who had given us the best gift at the party, but we are unable to come up with a final winner. Instead, we would like to offer a series of medals to all those who gave gifts. Purple hearts for valor on the gifting field will be mailed out to: Mum and Dad - the basketball hoop rules, and thanks for the masterful house-fluffing!; Phil and Theresa - wicked awesome veggies, guys; Pat and Cathie - Ji digs his books the most; Nicole and Ryan - Super Ji thanks youse too; the Woolgars - Phet wants to know if Lee Valley sells bongs...maybe we can check their online catalogue?; Irene and Edward - those irises will live forever indeed; the Turner-Bristowes - Phet loves his sexy clock, but he's wondering if he can turn it into a bong...any ideas?; and last but not least, Jack and Ginny - thank god you brought the dining room set, or we'd've been sitting on mustard yellow plastic covered office chairs until the apocalypse!

As a sub-set to the gift medals, we would like to present two specially-minted medals to two awesome couples. First, the Remember Your Roots award goes to JOHN & KATE MCLAUGHLIN! John and Kate gave us the most thoughtful gift ever: a photo of our great-great-grandfather's homestead, and a lilac bush that is a descedant of the original lilac bushes in the photo! Amazing. Secondly, the Remember Who Gave You The Damned Gift award goes to JEN, PABLO AND SIMONE! The Spence-Sobrino family ordered a stupendous hand-crafted cedar bench and chair to be delivered to our door. They had my Mum liaise with the carpenter, and when he delivered the bench (and Mum wasn't around, just Phet, me, and Dad) he said that the bench was from a Margie. Dad, not knowing anything about the gift plan, figured it was a present from Mum and took full credit on her behalf for the gift. It was only much later that we found out who the gift was really from. Uh, if in that old (racist?) term someone who gives something and then takes it back is an 'Indian Giver', what do you call someone who gives you nothing but unwittingly takes credit for someone else's gift? An American giver? That's you, Dad.

And now, a very special award: the Grampa Paul Award For Post-Party Tidying. This award is given in honour of the killer job Grampa Paul did cleaning up after our wedding. He was, what, 79 at the time, and went stooping around to pick up random cigarette butts and half-full plates of cake and salmon when everyone else was still in bed nursing their hangovers. Fixed address is proud to give this year's Grampa Paul Award to ELIZBETH AND SHERRY DWYER! These ladies went from chilled-out and beautiful drink-imbibers to crazy hardcore dishcleaners and general tidiers in, like, a matter of minutes. They were like the superheroes you always wished would swoop in - who needs dumb old Batman. He does what, exactly? Smashes stuff up and makes a mess. Noooo, what you want is the super tidying vixens! Not only that, they've got fabulously well-behaved kids to boot. (Frankly, Wonder Woman and her stupid lasso better watch out, these ladies are going to make a big showing on the international superhero charts soon, mark our words).

Lastly, our inside-the-party-industry best support and assistance awards. Best merchandizing tie-in award goes to JAKE & RYAN for their wicked-awesome, one-of-a-kind t-shirts (order your own, or get a new design printed from the boyz and their company Vice Age today!). Best rack award goes to RANDY & TURNER for their stupendously delicious ribs (remember, Randy's Reviews coming soon, and check out the latest issue of Toro Magazine for Turner's great article on grilling macho meats). Best post-party partying awards go to ANNE, EMMA & TARA who kept us 'company' in the week after the party. Jenga rocks, girls! And our final award of the night, the Thanks For Fixing Our New Clothes Washer, Taking Care Of Our Kid, Bringing Us A Rice Cooker, And Cooking Delicious Noodles With Coconut Broth award goes to (and I know you're all holding your breath because there were many fine competitors in this field and you are all hoping that you are the lucky winner).....PHET'S AUNTS!

Phew, time to go to the after-awards party and knock back some champagne. Thanks for tuning in, and be sure to email us if you have any other awards you'd like to nominate a partier for. Party on, dudes! [Countryside-4-September-2005]